my mood graphs.

like bi polar disorder
amplified, a close up photograph
revealing flaws and the details in a scar.
acute pain, intense happiness and nothing
in between... i'm exhausted with ideas-
the finer things, finely crafted wooden beams
and a sack of ego spilling on the sitting room
floor-
the guests are waiting but i'm too tired
to entertain, to play the dancing monkey, the
jack in the box- a musical comedy.

its fine

its fine
i'm doing fine,
just fine.

a gust of wind blew the leaves in her direction
she was tired
one particular leaf shaped like an ordinary leaf
leaped at her face,
and lodged itself firmly between her glasses
but she continued unaware
she was really tired,
she didn't really care.

i have said the word too many times
for it to hold any meaning anymore
but i'll say this,
you i'll always keep
within and without.

just

just...
all the stuff i feel
and all the patterny, bubbly, weighty-nesses
and all the loud and subtle smells and sounds
and all the other things in between and on the corners,
the edges of my mind and my senses
all of it, all at once, and in spirals
render me awry
when i need to provide
proper definitions.

the thought of you,
has broken into tiny pieces
inside me.

they suddenly clump together
randomly, at inconvenient times
and scrape against everything...
it's upsetting.

I have a fear of the wall,
the white sheet of paper.
I'm afraid to touch surfaces
with my fingers, I inch away from
close contact, maintaining
the distance of the dreamer,
until i'm awake,
to grapple with familiarity.